Guess the Sociopolitical Metaphor!

Originally posted on my LiveJournal in 2009. This is the oldest essay I've written worth bringing over, and sadly still relevant.

Scene: a left-handed man is sitting at a table in a cafe, working on his laptop. As he clicks his USB mouse, an outraged woman approaches.)

OW: You sick freak! How dare you flaunt your left-handed perversion like that?

LHM: Excuse me?

OW: Left-handedness is an abomination! You must turn from your evil ways, to the path of righteousness and right-handedness!

LHM (still trying to stay calm): I’m not the one making a scene here. You are. All I’m doing is working on this spreadsheet. I’m not being flashy about my left-handedness, I’m just going about my business. Please leave me alone and let me finish my work.

(A young lady walks up.)

OW: How dare you try to blame ME for this? You filthy southpaw, I oughta--

YL: Excuse me, but don’t you have anything better to do than harass him? He’s not bothering anybody.

OW: You’re in on this, aren’t you? You’re another one of those filthy left-hand recruiters trying to corrupt our precious children!

YL: Actually, ma’am, I’m ambidextrous. And he’s not--

LHM: Oh, you’re one of those.

YL: Excuse me?

LHM: You’re left-handed, but you try to hide by acting right-handed for society! Stop living in denial!

OW(in a patronizing tone): You’re not really ambidextrous, dear, you’re just confused. A lot of girls go through a phase where they think they’re ambidextrous. You don’t have to try to write with your left hand anymore—our ex-left-hand counseling can set you free from all that.

YL: A phase? Counseling? I am what I am—a young woman who happens to write perfectly well with either hand. Stop dodging the issue here.

LHM: You’re just denying your left-handed nature!

OW: Stop confusing her, you sinister* pervert!

(As the curtain falls, all three people are embroiled in a vicious argument.)

*Yes, I made a Latin pun. Don’t hold it against me.