The New Remake Ruined My Childhood!

For quite a few years now, there has been money in reviving cartoon and movie franchises from yesteryear with a shiny new paint job. So of course, most entertainment companies have done it. Here is a partial list:

That's a long list, and it only counts stuff that's had a new cartoon or movie series to bring in a new generation. If we also included every time a beloved toy was redesigned for a new generation, that list would probably double in length, easily. (Also note: I didn't even bother listing Japanese properties, like Precure, Pokemon, Beyblade, Yu-Gi-Oh!, or Sailor Moon. I could keep this up all day, my friends.)

My point is, this happens all the time nowadays, and every single time, somebody, on some miserable corner of the Internet, says that the shiny new version is ruining their childhoods. (If they're even less classy, they will use the phrasing "raping my childhood." I'm not even going to dignify the practice of equating the greatest violation of another person's body and autonomy to the existence of a new movie or TV show with a rebuttal. Such people, I suspect, are beyond help.) And in every single such case, the person saying this is no longer a child.

People, let me be as blunt as I can: You cannot ruin a thing that is over. If you are no longer a child, then nothing that happens now affects your actual childhood one iota. I loved Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, as did lots of children for the 50 or so years it was on PBS. I also loved Sherri Lewis' Lambchop, which was on the airwaves for nearly as long. When these people died, it did not ruin my childhood memories of these shows.

Double Dare hasn't been on TV for years, and I later learned that host Marc Summers had OCD and a strong aversion to messes. These facts don't ruin my childhood. I am rather disappointed that the show's writers insisted on sliming Marc all those times in spite of his ailment, but that doesn't mean I didn't think it was all fun and games at the time.

And lest we forget, a lot of those beloved children's cartoons were created by the marketing divisions of toy companies to sell toys. I'm not just talking about the various Nintendo cartoons, although they certainly count. (What are video games but a very expensive form of electronic toy?) He-Man and She-Ra? They were toys first. Jem and the Holograms? It was a toy first. My Little Pony? Transformers? Rainbow Brite? Started as toys. Strawberry Shortcake? Care Bears? Greeting-card images, that became toys, and then became cartoons. Or did you not think it was odd that suddenly, entire new herds of My Little Ponies and squads of Decepticons would appear on the show at the same time new toys of these characters were released? It wasn't exactly a secret to anybody who was an adult at the time. If that knowledge doesn't ruin your childhood, why would a reboot?

Your memories are the same as they ever were. Your enjoyment of all of these things when you were a part of the under-12 set isn't erased from history just because somebody made a bad reboot of The Thing You Loved. If you don't think it'll be as good as the original, then just say, "It probably won't be as good as the original." But also bear in mind that we all see our childhood favorite things through Nostalgia Goggles.

Watch the original Ghostbuster movie from the 1980s. Sure, it's funny, but it's not a Great Movie by any adult's standards. Watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon from the 1980s (or, for that matter, the original cartoon from the 1960s). Are the plots predictable, the action unbearably tame, and the animation style...not what you remember? The show hasn't changed, dear viewers: you have grown up. You now have a mental catalog of Things I Have Watched that you can use to judge quality by, and let's face it, some of the things we loved as kids were the most poorly-written garbage anybody has pushed on an innocent child.

Sometimes the reboot is better. Sometimes it's worse. Sometimes it's about the same level of quality. But unless the movie somehow went back in time, cussed out your dad, sucker-punched your mom, and ripped up all your stuffed animals, it did not ruin your childhood. Say what you mean: "I don't like the look of this reboot."